Jake's Anti-Noise Campaign

Jake the Dog was met today by a large crowd of supporters and followers, as he led an anti noise pollution rally, hoping to educate the public about a cause he has long championed -- and which has been picking-up grass-roots support at an astonishing rate.

Jake's cause, of course, is to rid the western world of the "pop-top menace" that heinous threat to peace and quiet that pervades the beverage industry, and is thus carried to all walks of society. To him the awful sound that's made when a beverage can is popped open is a thing that should not be; if he never heard it again, it would be too soon!

In his moving address, he intimated the expansion of his campaign. In addition to his push for a ban on "all container closures that frivolously cause an irritating noise" he now wants industry to voluntarily use "crinkle-resistant materials" for containers, to prevent a wide range of auditory malfeasance, caused by squeezing a container and flexing its sides.

Sources close to Jake indicated that privately, Jake advocates harsh punishment for those caught mindlessly crinkling the sides of an empty can or bottle -- an activity Jake considers responsible for many of society's ills. If Jake was able to open a tube of super glue, thoughtless Cretans with empty soda cans stuck to their heads would be a very common sight indeed.

Jake insists that these awful noises cause escalation of stress that goes unnoticed until everyone starts to snap. Then people neglect or yell at their dogs, dogs start growling at people because no one's taken them outside all day, cats start thinking they should be important, and the whole damn thing becomes one big stress-filled bummer.

Most who attended the rally were amazed by just how <ahem> dogmatic Jake can be, without speaking a single word. When asked about this phenomenon, Jake just looks back at you knowingly, as if the answer should be apparent ... I guess that says it all.

What's next for Jake The Dog? Many prominent people see political office as the next logical step. Jake was in line for a top-level administrative position in the Animal Control department, but apparently his detractors saw a conflict of interest. (Certain discussions involving cat issues caused his objectivity to come under fire; he decided it would be best to withdraw.)

Luckily, that incident hasn't cost him any respect in the community, in fact quite the opposite -- and he's taking all the notoriety in stride. (He got quite a chuckle out of the jokes about him on the late night talk shows -- proof positive that he isn't taking himself too seriously.)

When the timing is right, there is no doubt Jake will rise to his calling.