Jake the Carnivore

Oh sure I look soft and cuddly; I'm cute as hell - ask anyone. But deep down, my psyche has roots going back through thousands of years of carnivorous dominance, to my rightful place near the top of the food chain... you know what I'm talking about?

Let me put it another way: My jaws: your esophagus. My teeth: your jugular vein. Me carnivore; you meat, get it? And after I've devoured all of your flesh, I'll crunch your bones and suck out the marrow - yeah man, I'm talking about natural selection! Arf arf arf!

But hey, this is the 21st century, life in the 'burbs and all, and a dog's gotta hang, you know? I'm sure that if I left a trail of blood and bones in my wake, the amount of paperwork I'd incur for my human would be prohibitive... and he's not that good at it.

I can see him banging on the glass, 5 minutes after the office closed on the last day, waving some documents and his debit card, sniveling about traffic. Oh well man, you tried to save me, it's the thought that counts - for nothing! Hey now, put that needle away, he'll be back in the morning; I know the notice said today -- what are you, like SDG&E or something? Please dude, really, just one more day!

Yikes, scary thoughts! Time for my musings to move on to a happier place, but just so you know, if you happen to catch me drooling as I stare at the crunchy parts of your neck, just beneath the skin... I prefer to be fed on schedule.

Jake stalks a can of Science Diet, looking for its esophagus.