Jake the Carnivore
Oh sure I look soft and cuddly; I'm cute as hell - ask anyone. But deep down,
my psyche has roots going back through thousands of years of carnivorous dominance,
to my rightful place near the top of the food chain... you know what I'm talking
about?
Let me put
it another way: My jaws: your esophagus. My teeth: your jugular vein. Me carnivore; you
meat, get it? And after I've devoured all of your flesh, I'll crunch your bones
and suck out the marrow - yeah man, I'm talking about natural selection! Arf arf
arf!
But hey, this is the 21st century, life in the 'burbs and all, and a dog's gotta
hang, you know? I'm sure that if I left a trail of blood and bones in my wake,
the amount of paperwork I'd incur for my human would be prohibitive... and he's
not that good at it.
I can see him banging on the
glass, 5 minutes after the office closed on the last day, waving some documents
and his debit card, sniveling about traffic. Oh well man, you tried to save me,
it's the thought that counts -
for nothing! Hey now,
put that needle away, he'll be back in the morning; I know the notice said
today -- what are you, like SDG&E or something? Please dude, really, just one
more day!
Yikes, scary thoughts! Time for my musings to move on to a happier place, but just
so you know, if you happen to catch me drooling as I stare at the crunchy parts
of your neck, just beneath the skin... I prefer to be fed on schedule.