Disaffected Hunter


All that carnivorous affirmation stuff aside, you gotta love the simplicity of a can of Science Diet: you open it, you eat it. No stalking or running or chasing, no bleating or squawking or whatever pathetic death noise your meal might make, no scratching or clawing or struggling of any kind... works for me.

Because when you get down to it, hunting for food is a big pain in the arse. As the hunter you think, I have you by the throat, you canít breathe (thatís on purpose, by the way) and soon youíll be bleeding out: why donít you just lay still now? Game over, you lose, all that struggling is pointless, it just makes it harder on both of us. Soooo selfish -- seriously! They need to see the bigger picture and get real with it, but they refuse to look. (Of course, woefully limited brain capacity doesnít help either)

Plus itís never as easy as it looks, take for instance, a duck: smooth, flat, rounded beak, no points or sharp edges; floppy webbed feet; long skinny neck. Looks like a slam dunk, right? Well guess what: the inside of that beak is serrated, and there are pointy little claws on those webbed feet. They flap their wings and twist and scratch -- killing one before it draws some of your blood is a good trick.

Oh and the noise, QUACK QUACK QUACK, man itís god-awful. Then there are about a million feathers to get past, and then you find out that those plump-looking little sods waddling about are basically just skin and bones under all the feathers. It isnít worth the hassle.

How about a soft little bunny rabbit? Even worse, grabbing them by the neck makes you an easy target when they kick and scratch. And, for an animal that never makes a sound its entire life, whatís up with that death squeal, jeez talk about heinous... itís enough to wake the dead! If they made that racket all the time, there would be no tranquility anywhere.

It goes on and on Ė bottom line, if you have to kill your dinner, youíre going to get gouged up -- it is not all fun and games!

Thus the beauty of a nice big can of Science Diet, willingly giving up itís very essence, no drama what-so-ever, so that I might eat... kind-of hits you right behind the old ballpoint, donít it?


Jake is glad he doesn't need to hunt.